Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Ace Ventura - When Nature plays prank caller

Note : This post contains a degree of profanity, which is the bare mininum needed to express my exasperation, so readers beware!

Man, a product of ages of evolution ( though no one can still satisfactorily explain 'the missing link') has carved out a marvel of a civilization in which he prides himself. He has been able to satiate his needs to food, shelter and clothing but in this process he often forgets that he is afterall nothing more than a product of Mother Nature, and is always at her mercy.

This is not some impersonal rant about the tsunami or the torrential rains in mumbai (which btw is nature's way of saying 'you silly little twerps!' ) but something more closer and deeply personal. And its about time to clarify the subject of this post, about nature playing prank caller. Many of us are under the fatuous assumption that for dear old Mom Nature to prove that she is still boss she has to show her fury in the form of storms, earthquakes and other such calamities, but what many fail to understand is that she has this very very simple weapon which goes by various denotations such as 'To hit the loo / crapper', but more ubiquitously known as 'The Nature's Call'.

And it was unfortunate for me when she decided to give me a call. Well not just a simple call but a full fledged prank call, here unfolds the story of this poor ace ventura, with whom nature played prank caller

August 1, 2005, 10:10 am, This is the time where this fateful story started as I ventured into our college canteen and ordered a simple samosa. And little did I know at that time that this would be the begining of a very rough ride. To make matters clear and set things on the record, I liked the samosas the day before, crispy with very little oil and for once properly cooked (which is by the way a very rare occurance in my college only paralleling that of halley's comet albeit only totally unpredictable). So, I added samosa's as good as yesterday's, but I guess the lady at the counter grossly misunderstood me and actually presented me with 'yesterday's' samosas.

And this led to what is medically described as food poisioning. Though the word does sound serious enough it somehow simply fails utterly to describe exactly what food poisioning begets. Nothing happened to me till around 3:15pm that day but suddenly I had a spasm of pain in my stomach and I could already feel my bowels screaming with pain. Though I did never have the urge, the pain in the bowel's weren't too pleasurable either. And within this time the churling in my bowels was powerful enough to make me puke its contents. Though the act of puking did provide me with some relief it was only momentary and fleeting. And by the time this was over it was already time for the college buses to leave. The churling in my bowels did not abate.

I did get on the bus, but there were enough vibrations within the bus to shake the embryo out of a pregnant mother, and in my enervated condition I was no match for the powerful transverse and longitudinal waves that lambasted me with insurmountable strength. Very soon I was literally squirming in my seat. I HAD TO GO! I had no other choice! So I stopped the bus in guduvanchery and got down and went straight to the bus stand in search of a toilet. Here is the gist of the conversation I had with a mtc official there

Me : Sir, Bus stand-la toilet yenga irukku ( where is the toilet here )
Him : Ingala athu ethuvum kediayathu sir ( there are no toilets here )
Me : Sir, please sollungu, yenaku konjam urget ... ( sir, please, running a little urgent here )
Him : Inga irukuthu na irukku-nu solla poren, inga illa sir.. ( I would tell you if there was one but there is none here)

Rest assured, I could guess that this conversation was going nowhere, and neither was I. So I did look around a place and did find a pompus and so obviously placed board which proclaimed something to the extent of 'Modern Coin Operated Bathroom' ! I was staring agape at it for moment, with foolishness rushing to my head as to why I did not spot this earlier. But, much to my dismay I really found out that the 'Modern Coin Operated Bathroom' was actually 'Dilapidated Stinking Coin Stealing Room', thats putting it mildly. very mildly.

And I was grudgingly walking out of the bus stand, and I had this sudden storm within my bowels and this made me puke instantaneously, and fortunately I was standing right next to an open drain. So I did puke there twice. (I din't know my stomach could hold so much!). And I went about asking other people where the local toilet was, and no one could exactly pin point the location of a single toilet. And as I was walking down that place I did come across a public health center, or so it was called. And guess what,

THE FUCKED UP PUBLIC HEALTH FUCKING CENTER DID NOT HAVE A PUBLIC BATHROOM. PERIOD.


Well, after asking around the place for a few more minutes I finally found a some one with the source of this much hard to find knowledge, and this what he gave me

Me : Sir, ungaluku inga bathroom yenga poganum-nu theriuma... ( sir, do you know where the bathroom is?)
Him : Inga ellam open-air theatre tha sir.. (we defecate in the open here!)
Me : Illa, ithu chinna vishyam illa, peria vishyam.. (hmm.. this not simple urination, Its something bigger)
Him ; Oh!, appadina, athu inga yengum kediyathu, neenga straight-a pona anga oru maram theriuytha angenrunthu moonavathu left yedutha oru PCO booth varum , anga first right yedunga.. ulla or 10 mins nadantha oru public toilet irukku... (Oh!, if thats the case you've got to go straight beyond those trees, and take the 3rd left from there, where you will find a PCO booth, take the first right there and after 10 mins of walk you should get to a public toilet!)
Me : Aiyo!!!! Ok thank you sir..

And I did hurry to that place to finally find a toilet. Atleast I was happy that it was clean ( maybe because it was in the midst of nowhere so probably I was the only user).

So for all those who plan to put SRM in their college lists 'BEWARE OF SAMOSA', and if you are in guduvancheri and need to find a public toilet, you are doomed..

with this sad tale,

Signing off,
Vishnu Vyas.

5 comments:

?? said...

Hell-sent samose to torment VV
or did Venks have anything to do with the fiendish job?

Vishnu Vyas said...

who are you ?? and who is venks? Is typing your name such a big deal?

Vishnu Vyas said...

anyway the hell sent samosa was not such a big deal compared to my plight near guduvanchery :D

Antimatter said...

Maybe you should have done the deed right in the middle of the NH as a sign of protest against our indifferent civic authorities. Venturing into a public toilet..wow you got some serious thrill issues man. I tried that once and I throw up evertime I hear the words 'public toilet'.....yikes now am gonna puke!

vishnu vyas said...

doing the deed in the middle of the NH - yeah, I would have done just that if I din't evantually find a bathroom...