Thursday, October 21, 2004

Tell tale symptoms of an Internet Vegetable

Before I proceed listing the classic symptoms, of an Internet Vegetable, I in all respects should define what or who an Internet Vegetable (hence forth abbreviated to I.V) is, though that should be rather self-evident from the end of this post.

Internet Vegetable : (n) /~In'tehnet Veg'itebl ~/,
defn 1. Any living form, mostly human, capable of manipulating computers and with connection to the Internet, and spending excessive amounts of time online, engaged in activities whose productivity, is matched only by those of ineffectual organizations run by the Indian government.

(Ah!, that should make one Mr.Webster proud. .. Sob..Sob )

So, getting back to the subject at hand, here are a list of classic symptoms of an Internet Vegetable. Though not all of them are necessary to identify, and ascertain a I.V, most of them occur, together.

Symptoms
    • Owning, or writing blogs regularly, and rather obsessively with excessively long posts.
    • Compulsive tendency to scribe the even most miniscule incident into a elaborate blog post(like this one for example) .
    • Visiting, Creating, Owning, or having knowledge of arcane websites with content only as much as ..., say.... Zilch.
    • Posting on the same blog(s), multiple times, within 24 hours, inspite of an exam the next day.
    • Ability to recite, url's with more than 200 characters from memory.
    • Celebrating September 6, with a pagan ceremony, just to commemorate Google's birthday.
    • Also accompanied by insomnia, somnabulism, sleep-talking, sleep-typing.
    • Carving out a personal insignias of penguins, lizards, etc... from candy bars.
    • Thinking, all problems in life would have simple answers like Yes, No, and Cancel.
    • Always looking to type Ctrl-Z, when it dawns, you have messed up something bigtime!
Well, if you are a victim of any of the above symptoms, or have hallucinations, nightmares, or even dreams (including the not very dry variety) about being offline, then you may potentially be what most, cyberpsychologists call an Internet Vegetable. Now, that you know you are one, don't wander around any vegetarians. They may be hazardous to your health.

PS: if you have all the above symptoms, and are proud of them, then you are .. Oh.... Worse......, an Internet MOLE.

Signing off,
Vishnu

4 comments:

Sneha said...

Sir Vishnu.... was this in my honour??? I AM NOT an I.V ...i refuse to be limited by such a classification...lol...cyberpsychologist..did u come up with that one...or is this a "newbie's" ignorance??

Ah Well..Atleast I've Inspired Something...vishnu...i'm your muse...lol..(in a non-sexual and good way..lol..)
or am i taking too much credit...lol..

Vishnu Vyas said...

Thank you, fair dame, and i was inspired by you (and in no sexual way)to write that, about a chronic plauge, spreading across cyberspace.

Anonymous said...

well vishnu

i shld haf known I.V. vil b ur next topic wen u raised d topic with me. well i tot it wud b my story all over instead i c tht u ave made an AUTO-BIOGRAPHY(untill now i never knew tht there wud b cheater vegetables like __::u::__) ..lol..

bye
shiva

Vivek said...

Internet Vegetable : (n) /~In'tehnet Veg'itebl ~/,
defn 1. Geek

#define internet_vegetable geek